chasing shadows
by thechosenpen
Summary: Scott visits Allison's grave every week, trying to find a way to keep out of the darkness as his pack falls apart. This means pouring his heart out to a tombstone that can never respond. But sometimes the breeze starts to move over him, as if someone is trying to speak back. (Set in S5)
1. troubled by the emptiness

There is no breeze in the air as Scott walks through the graveyard. It seems almost symbolic, like the air can't bear to breathe if the people buried below can't. Scott feels himself holding his own breath and noticed the silence surrounding him. The atmosphere is quiet and almost peaceful. But there is a sadness surrounding the area too. It occurs to Scott that the sadness could be coming from him, as it always does. As a werewolf he is supposed to be able to scent emotions in the air, but his own grief seems to overpower any other scent these days.

Finally he arrives at the same spot as always. Her tombstone is simple. It reads:

"Here lies Allison Argent.

Loving daughter, dedicated friend.

Nous protégeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se protéger eux-mêmes."

The grass has grown a little longer since last week. It leans slightly onto her grave, brushing it gently. The dirt is damp from the rain earlier today and Scott wonders if the rain has sunk low enough in the ground to reach her. It's a morbid thought and he quickly shakes off the worry, focusing on the way the left over rain drops trickle on her tombstone like tears, and the way the dirt has darkened with the rain and how it reminds him of her dark hair.

Scott leans down and places the fresh flowers onto her grave, letting a hand rest on the dirt for a moment. His eyes prickle but he holds the tears back, bowing his head slightly. He is not here to cry. Leaning back, he lets his body slump into a sitting position just next to the tombstone, wet grass ignored. He slings one arm over his knees while his other hand stays placed on the grave. This is the closest he can get to touching her now.

"Hey Ally." His voice is thick already. There is a brief moment where he notices a hint of breeze brushing over his hand, but it's probably just his own breath moving through the air. He clears his throat, a sharp grunt before he powers on.

"So, it's been just over four months now. Which is crazy because I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday. I guess the constant nightmares are the cause of that. Mom wanted to send me to another psychologist to see if that helps, but it's kind of hard when I can't really give them the full story. And I'm not going to Eichen House for help. I can't go back there, I can't risk walking through those gates again when all it does is remind me of you on the other side…falling down…"

Scott pauses, shaking his head as the tears resurface.

"Sorry, I didn't come here to cry or anything. I came here because...Well because talking to you has always kept me sane. You always kept me sane. "

Another pause. Scott hand's slowly trace a small circle in the dirt. Allison has always been his anchor. It was her existence that stopped Scott from spiralling into the dark, tethering him to the good that everyone needed him to be. She's gone now, and Scott feels the darkness every day, pushing its way into him inch by inch. Everyone keeps telling him that coming here every week as he does isn't healthy. That it will only make him stuck, unable to truly grieve and move on. But Scott doesn't want to move on. Moving on is terrifying. Moving on means giving up the one part of him that he needs right now. It means admitting that he lost her.

"I guess I should update you, as usual. Nothing major has happened since last week, which is a relief. I don't think I could handle round two of that omega wolf. Remember I told you about that last week right? The one that just arrived and started attacking everyone in Beacon Hills basically and then tried to attack the pack. Just when we thought things were safe for a while. I mean we made it a whole two weeks without any drama, even when I knew there was a new werewolf nearby. I thought omegas were meant to be weaker, but that girl was almost completely inhuman. Malia says the girl must have been on her own for a long time to get that savage. I guess Malia would know. She was the only one able to get through to that girl, so we were all pretty lucky there. I'm definitely glad we found Malia when we did because honestly she's is the coolest.

She and Stiles are still a thing, I guess? I don't really know. Their whole relationship is a bit weird but it seems stable enough. Stiles doesn't really talk about her much but they're always together and when she smiles at him it makes me think of you. So that must mean something good."

Scott cuts off. The words bring back a flood of memories, all of Allison; her gaze on his, a deadly weapon in each hand as she stood by his side, always fighting for him. He breathes in and out, mind deep in thought before he collects himself enough to resume.

"Right. So. Uh. I should say this but it feels weird. I mean you already kind of knew it but we never talked about it properly. And I should have mentioned this ages ago but it just felt like too much to say out-loud. But I'll say it now. So. Right. Well Kira and I have been sort of dating. I mean we were. We tried. I tried so hard. I tried having a fresh start, a new chance. I mean things had sort of started between us before...before you..."

Another halt. Four months on and he still can't say it without choking.

"Before you died. I remember the disco at Derek's loft. I remember seeing you walk in. I remember holding Kira's hand and then seeing your face and it was weird but it was okay. I wanted it to still be okay after you died but it was too much. I know you'd want me to be happy, to be with someone and to love someone again. But I meant it when I said I'd wait for you, I just thought we had more time. I thought we were making our way back to each other. Sure, there was Kira and you had Isaac, but I thought it was you and me. It was supposed to be you and me. You told me you loved me, and then you stopped breathing and I didn't get to say it back. I didn't get to tell you that I love you. "

Scott's throat closes up, cutting off his rant. There is a long silence. The air remains still, holding its breath as Scott tries to slow his own breathing down. His hand slowly traces a larger circle in the dirt around the first.

"I do love you. Kira has been great about it. We talked about it when she sensed I wasn't really into it I guess. She said I could take my time and if nothing happens, that's cool too. It must be a bit rough for her but she's been really supportive. I wanted to move on, give her a chance, but it's nice having a friend too. It's nice to have someone to talk to when Stiles isn't around, or when our plans fall apart, or when I miss you."

Scott takes another breath in and out. He realises that having to remind himself to breathe probably isn't a great sign of sanity, but it's the only real option sometimes. It feels strange to breathe out when the air is so still around him. His own breath feels out of place, a harsh reminder of where he is.

"I guess that's all there is to say this week. I just needed to tell you that. Nothing else really to report. It's been kind of nice to have a quiet week amongst the chaos. It's rare so I'll take it. I mostly just played video games with Stiles and worked with Liam on his transformations. He's getting even better so I'm pretty sure he'll be fine with the full moon next month. But other than that I guess nothing else happened."

Scott bites his lip, trying to think of something, anything else to say to keep himself here. But the sky is darkening already, his cue to head back home. He stands, brushing the grass from his pants. Before he can fully stretch his legs, he is crouching down again, unable to truly keep his distance from her, even now.

"Allison, I miss you. I just really really miss you. I need you even more than I did before. Look, I know things are quiet but it's the calm before the storm. And I don't know how to get through these storms without you. I've got the pack but I miss you."

A long sigh escapes his lips before he finally stands up fully.

"I'll be back next week. I love you, Allison Argent."

He whispers his goodbye, his eyes lingering on the two circles he has carved into the dirt of her grave, a replica of the open wound on his own arm.

As Scott stands, he is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the soft breeze passing over him.


	2. chasing visions of our futures

The air feels colder in the graveyard today. Scott takes his usual path to Allison's final resting place, taking note of the names on each tombstone on his way. There are so many unfamiliar names and he wonders if they all have regular visitors too. Wilting flowers sit on marble stone graves, signalling the beginning of those who have found a way to move on. The flowers resting above Allison are still fresh from Scott's visit last week. He places another fresh bunch next to them, kneeling down until his knees touch the grass, letting his body get as close to her as he can.

"Hey."

He is silent for a while, unsure of what to say now.

"It's weird, you know. It's weird because we're about to start our senior year and I keep thinking about that night in the car. With Jackson. Well, no. Technically it was Kanima-Jackson. Do you remember?"

He pauses, collecting his thoughts. He raises a hand to rest on the cold stone, his fingers tracing over Allison's name as the memories flood back.

"I remember sitting in the car with you, and we were talking. We talked about spending our whole lives together. That was the first moment we talked about it. We talked about getting through high school, and making to college together. You told me you weren't just talking about until college. I knew what you meant. I knew I wanted to be with you forever. And now you won't even get to finish senior year. It's just…it's not fair. It's not right."

Scott feels the anger flaring up again as he thinks back to that night and the unspoken promises that were forever broken now.

"I remember wanting to be normal again, back when that was even a possibility. I remember when all I wanted was to be normal so that we could be together without any supernatural obstacles. Now I just want you alive. I want you to be able to stand beside me, your bow slung over your shoulder as you fight by my side, like you always did. I just want you back."

Scott feels his throat closing up and he pauses again.

"Anyway, we did Senior Scribe last night. I wrote your initials for you. Right under mine. It felt right. I hope that's okay. Even if you don't get to graduate, at least your name is with ours. I know you would have been there if you could. Lydia said you still are. I like to think so too."

A soft breeze passes over Scott. He straightens up, eyes prickling with sore memories and impossible futures. The air stills itself again, the source of the breeze undetermined but irrelevant to Scott as he composes himself.

"I guess I don't have much more to update today. I can still feel that darkness tugging at me, like something is going to go wrong soon. But maybe that's just the dread of senior year. Malia is still dealing with the omega wolf but she hasn't told me much yet. Just that it might take a while for the girl to stop being a danger. Liam asked if she's joining the pack. He sounded kind of jealous, like she might take his spot as my beta which is ridiculous. Anyway I don't know if I want a rogue wolf in my pack until I know she's trustworthy. So I'm going to wait until Malia gives me some good news. Thank goodness for Lydia's lake house."

Scott's eyes linger over the quote on the tombstone, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"Nous protégeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se protéger eux-mêmes." His mouth stumbles over the Latin pronunciation but he does his best to remember the way Allison's lips moved to form the code she fought to create.

"I'll do my best, Allison. I can't promise we'll take her in but Malia is doing her best to get through to her, and I'm doing my best to guide her through it. I'll protect her as much as I can. I have to. I have to protect as many people as I can. Maybe if I do that then I can make sure your legacy keeps going."

The sun is beginning to set already, a sign that Scott should head back home, back to where his pack waits for their alpha. He stands up, letting out a heavy sigh.

"I'll be back for you. I always will. I love you, Allison Argent," he whispers, closing his eyes. If he focuses hard enough he can imagine she's just standing opposite him, giving him that glorious sunny smile.

He lets his eyes open slowly, too slowly, as he turns away. If he'd opened his eyes any quicker maybe he would have noticed the person walking directly in his path, their eyes also diverted.

Instead, they collide, bouncing off each other. Scott stumbles back, catching himself before he knocks into Allison's grave. He straightens up, mouth already full of apologies, and notices the guy sprawled out on the ground, flowers clutched in one hand.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Scott reaches out a hand and helps the other guy to his feet. Standing straight, the guy is about his height, with light brown hair and oddly familiar features.

"No, it's all good. My bad. I was too busy with my own thoughts. I really should pay attention to where I'm walking." The guy brushes himself off, giving Scott a half grin.

"No, I get it. Easy to get lost in your thoughts here." Scott shrugs. "Are you visiting family? Or a friend?" He wonders if he's just asked an inappropriate question but the guy doesn't seem fazed.

"Family. My little sister."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Scott seems to be apologising a lot right now.

"No, it's okay. She died when we were younger and I've been out of town for a while so I feel like I owe her a visit after so long." The guy glances down the graveyard isles, his eyes flickering as if searching for the right tombstone.

"It's a bit of a maze here though. I can't even remember where she is now." He looks back at Scott with slightly glazed eyes. Scott recognises that look. He recognises the helplessness and the grief hiding beyond the guy's eyes.

As they look at each other, Scott tries to place the familiar features. Before he can speak, the guy's eyes suddenly light up with their own recognition.

"Wait, You're Scott McCall, right?"

Scott's eyes narrow slightly. "Yeah. Do I know you?

The guy holds out his free hand with a smile, the grief in his eyes temporarily disappearing.

"Yeah, we went to primary school together! I'm Theo Raeken."


End file.
